a watched clock means wasted time

The hands of the clock and the sands of time pass whether watched or not. Sometimes I catch myself working on a project and momentarily staring at the clock somewhat fascinated at how it just keeps on going and I'm watching my life slip away as I stare. There are times I wish to be free of a preoccupation with time. For me, the older I get and the more time passes, it continues to pass like the speeding Red Line train in south Chicago, always running late. Leaving me feeling at times like I'm missing a plethora of opportunities and moments as I watch the train I need to be on pass by. I think I've discovered that if I spend precious time mourning over minutes and hours lost, I lose more. Almost redundantly, if I spend too much time worrying over the time that has not yet arrived, I lose more. The only solution is to try and make the most of the moment that I have right now. A concept that is almost generic I've heard it so much, but how much of my life am I really living in the moment. Living in the moment is my mind, my heart, my full attention and focus being preoccupied with the present. If I can squeeze every drop out of right now like the limes into my Corona, I can live with the least regret. So as I glance again at the clock and realize, it's that time... I have to go now, I don't want to miss the train. Live for today, be immersed in today... live the hell out of right now.

the walk

I have myself to blame I guess. The blisters on my feet are killing me and my calf is cramping. My mind and emotions were such a whirlwind last night that I had to go for a long walk to try and sort out how I feel and it didn't do much good. As a metaphor and quite literal illustration I just spent 4 hours walking in circles. My old Nike running shoes carried my no socked feet for about 7 or 8 miles. Finally my body gave out at 4:30am. It's strange how you try and clear your mind and get your thinking and perspective straightened out. For me, at least right now, it seems nearly impossible. I have so much to think about and seemingly only a handful of choices. Deciding what to do is so hard because I feel so strongly about many sides of the issue. Calling it the issue is oversimplifying in the most grotesque fashion. I don't think there is a win win situation here. It all seems to be lose lose no matter which way I choose to go. There is going to be collateral no matter what. I hate to think that there is no way for me to shield the people that I love from hurt and worse yet that the hurt might come from me. So I find myself in that circle again, like a maniacal merry-go-round that just won't let you off. If you jump it will hurt. But I guess that's why they call it recovery.