the walk

I have myself to blame I guess. The blisters on my feet are killing me and my calf is cramping. My mind and emotions were such a whirlwind last night that I had to go for a long walk to try and sort out how I feel and it didn't do much good. As a metaphor and quite literal illustration I just spent 4 hours walking in circles. My old Nike running shoes carried my no socked feet for about 7 or 8 miles. Finally my body gave out at 4:30am. It's strange how you try and clear your mind and get your thinking and perspective straightened out. For me, at least right now, it seems nearly impossible. I have so much to think about and seemingly only a handful of choices. Deciding what to do is so hard because I feel so strongly about many sides of the issue. Calling it the issue is oversimplifying in the most grotesque fashion. I don't think there is a win win situation here. It all seems to be lose lose no matter which way I choose to go. There is going to be collateral no matter what. I hate to think that there is no way for me to shield the people that I love from hurt and worse yet that the hurt might come from me. So I find myself in that circle again, like a maniacal merry-go-round that just won't let you off. If you jump it will hurt. But I guess that's why they call it recovery.