a brave new land

The move across the country went as well as could be expected. A little over twelve hour journey after it was all said and done. I traveled from the windy city, land of gorgeous skyline and martini bars to Northeast Tennessee, land of mountains... and other southern things. It's such a challenge for a city boy like myself to adjust to this environment. I'm not exactly referring to the temperature and weather, my references are a little closer to describing culture. It's almost like culture shock again, getting used to the differences. I've lived in the south before. Arkansas, Missouri, Mississippi, and Florida are some of the other states I've resided in. So it shouldn't be such a surprise all over again. Of course I'm still working in retail sales, so the change in clientele is drastic. I went from the Chicago ghetto customers to the backwoods mountain customers. Needless to say the customer's needs are very different. So I adjust again from living free and on my own to with my parents, and from Shiny City Living to Country Home Living. I'm still learning to accept change. In many ways I love change, but in many others it raises fears in my heart. I remind myself of one of my favorite sayings... It's not always summer, seasons change and we must change with them. So here's to growing in a new season. I will keep going to Starbucks, reading my books, and writing my words. I'm just looking at mountains out the windows and not that skyline that I miss so much tonight.

last day

The chocolate smoothie from Starbucks is damn good. I've almost finished it and I'm staring out at the Chicago city skyline. Whole Foods is next door and they've got great organic everything so I picked up a sandwich. So here I am sipping smoothie and munching sandwich and trying not to spill organic provolone on my keyboard. As I'm writing this an imaginary hourglass in my head drains the sand to the end of today. What's so different about today? I mean it's just another Thursday right??? There really hasn't been anything out of the ordinary today. I got up this morning and ran some errands and went to Chinatown to window shop. One of my best friends works at this Starbucks downtown and it's my favorite spot so it seemed like the next logical location to spend some relaxation time. I'm trying to leave room to breathe today... and I just got tomato juice all over my arm. I'm a rock star.

So what makes today different is that it's my last day in Chicago. Tomorrow morning I move to heart of the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. There are many details involved in why and how and all the other gobbledygook that is associated with the messy messy business of life, so I won't bore you with that. The past is past and we can't change that now. Right now I'm trying to enjoy the hell out of Chicago today. It will be my last thirsty Thursday with the 1122 crew. I realize that this is insular language that leaves the average reader clueless. Sorry about that. I still haven't packed everything, and I know I need to, but I wanted to enjoy the day in the city... I'll pack tonight. The sands in the glass keep draining into the bottom of the greedy hourglass that is my day, my last day. This day closes a chapter of my life I will look back on with so many memories. The south side adventures, the beachfront/city view of my old apartment, excursions on the Red Line, and of course no stay in Chicago would be complete without the parking tickets. I'll pay them eventually. I guess I don't have anything more to say... I'll miss you Chicago and friends, you will always be in my heart. And the sands keep falling.

a watched clock means wasted time

The hands of the clock and the sands of time pass whether watched or not. Sometimes I catch myself working on a project and momentarily staring at the clock somewhat fascinated at how it just keeps on going and I'm watching my life slip away as I stare. There are times I wish to be free of a preoccupation with time. For me, the older I get and the more time passes, it continues to pass like the speeding Red Line train in south Chicago, always running late. Leaving me feeling at times like I'm missing a plethora of opportunities and moments as I watch the train I need to be on pass by. I think I've discovered that if I spend precious time mourning over minutes and hours lost, I lose more. Almost redundantly, if I spend too much time worrying over the time that has not yet arrived, I lose more. The only solution is to try and make the most of the moment that I have right now. A concept that is almost generic I've heard it so much, but how much of my life am I really living in the moment. Living in the moment is my mind, my heart, my full attention and focus being preoccupied with the present. If I can squeeze every drop out of right now like the limes into my Corona, I can live with the least regret. So as I glance again at the clock and realize, it's that time... I have to go now, I don't want to miss the train. Live for today, be immersed in today... live the hell out of right now.

the walk

I have myself to blame I guess. The blisters on my feet are killing me and my calf is cramping. My mind and emotions were such a whirlwind last night that I had to go for a long walk to try and sort out how I feel and it didn't do much good. As a metaphor and quite literal illustration I just spent 4 hours walking in circles. My old Nike running shoes carried my no socked feet for about 7 or 8 miles. Finally my body gave out at 4:30am. It's strange how you try and clear your mind and get your thinking and perspective straightened out. For me, at least right now, it seems nearly impossible. I have so much to think about and seemingly only a handful of choices. Deciding what to do is so hard because I feel so strongly about many sides of the issue. Calling it the issue is oversimplifying in the most grotesque fashion. I don't think there is a win win situation here. It all seems to be lose lose no matter which way I choose to go. There is going to be collateral no matter what. I hate to think that there is no way for me to shield the people that I love from hurt and worse yet that the hurt might come from me. So I find myself in that circle again, like a maniacal merry-go-round that just won't let you off. If you jump it will hurt. But I guess that's why they call it recovery.

commentary on comments

This is a late night blogging and a bit of a rant, so I'll be brief. I appreciate and welcome comments in response to my blogs, with a certain modicum of respect and intelligence. I recently received a comment to my blog which I deleted after a lot of thoughtful consideration. There are a few reasons why. It provided no one who would read it with any value. It did not make sense. It had several words spelled incorrectly. It had an extremely poor grammatical structure. It made no sense. It had references to prophecies and visions, and I believe those items should be reserved for the sci-fi channel and this is not it. It was blatantly ignorant, narrow minded, judgemental and written from an extremely limited religious viewpoint. It had references in it that addressed myself as a brother to this individual who is neither my family or a close enough friend to call me that. This blog is not meant to be mean spirited or hurtful in any way, and the comment in response to my blog was very intentionally directed in that manner. I would appreciate great consideration be given to any responses in the future. The final reason I removed it was that it lacked any reasonable value. Oh, and it made no sense.

At least try to make the response make sense.

BLOG ON!!!

digital community

I finally got a twitter account, after holding out for so long. My hesitancy is brought upon by this naive sentiment about living a simpler life... unpolluted by the sociopolitical environment of our poisoned American pop culture. It's important to note that I used the word naive to describe this thought, and possibly the word idealistic should be added as a descriptive commentary as well. I was reading my horoscope the other day, or rather I was at the laundromat and a neighbor was checking it for me on her blackberry. It said that the "Aquarius" (which is myself) is a very idealistic personality and that they will fight to the bitter end for their principles. Sometimes this can be a very good thing, and other times it has really bitten me in the ass. As I strive to grow up a bit and mature in my relationships with others I've learned that having an openness for new concepts and the eagerness to learn more about other's ideals has served me better than defending my own. Well that was a fun little overly-descriptive rabbit trail... back to the topic at hand.

My generation (born in 1979) is one that kind of falls in between on the digital community. I don't feel as hip as some of these younger twenty-somethings, aka some of my friends in the theatre community. They have thousands of friends on their facebook account. I have less than fifty. They are so much more connected in the digital community than I am and I must confess a little bit of jealousy, because in a way it makes me feel like I'm slightly less popular and don't have as many friends. Most of my friends would either keep in touch with me through a phone call or visiting from time to time. I don't really have my friends from high school on my facebook account. What I'm getting at is everyone today seems to be at a different level of connectivity when it comes to the digital community that's out their. I don't know if you've ever visited a yahoo or aol chat room where you don't know anyone. It's really an experience if you haven't done it recently. There are all these crazy bots that are trying to digitally molest you and then the few real people that are actually there seem to be just as desperate for some type of strange connection. I ask myself, do these people have friends... like real friends, and then I catch myself being a little too judgemental and back off.

So friends and community are really important. I recently had some major life changes in terms of community. About a year and a half ago I lived in suburban America in a small town in Michigan. I worked a semi-normal job and had a lot of friends. I went to church every week and was connected in the "real" world with a lot of people that I thought were my good friends. Then it happened. Life kind of melted down for me. Then all the people I thought were friends came out of the woodwork to tell me how I should fix my life. I ended up losing almost everyone that I thought was a friend because I was having to reinvent life. Shortly thereafter some changes happened at my job and I found myself jobless and homeless. I felt like life was "less." I had a lot smaller circle when it came to community and friends. This was the period in which I deleted my facebook temporarily. So I had to start over.

Have you ever had to start over? It's a really hard as hell thing to do. I moved to a new city, Chicago. I got a new job. I got a new place to live. And now I'm trying to build the next thing. It's the thing that's been missing from my life. A new community. I have recognized that in the middle of figuring everything out, there is a great absence of friends. So I'm trying to make new relationships at work and looking for a new church. But I know that a lot of my feelings and thoughts have changed dramatically and I'm no longer willing to swallow the conservative pill of religion and politics. My feelings are completely different. I've figured out that I want to do something big and important with my life and I want to affect people in a really positive way. There's a little quote that I'm trying to keep in mind lately. "People won't remember as much about what you say to them or what you did with them as much as they will remember how you make them feel." I want to make people feel amazing when they are around me. (Not in the $1000 per hour escort sort of way) I want to make as many friends and connections as I can and change peoples life for the better. So that at the end of it all I can look back and know, I have more facebook friends than you. Because isn't that really what it's all about.

Would love to hear your thoughts and feedback.

My life philosphy in Latin

So here are a few Latin phrases that I have adopted as my life philosophy...

Description, Phrase, and interpretation as follows:

My Passions in Life -
artes scientia veritas fides
Art, Knowledge, Truth, Faith

To pursue my passions I must study hard -
respice, adspice, prospice
Examine the past, examine the present, examine the future

Faith gives me hope, but keeps me real -
ago dei gratia memento mori
Live by the grace of God, remember that you will die

I must do all I can for the justice of those who cannot speak for themselves -
ago vero fiat justitia facta non verba
live in truth, let justice be done, actions speak louder than words

Self Explanatory... I like wine// a lot -
in vino veritas veritas vos liberabit
There is truth in wine, the truth will make you free

The challenge is I must change for the better -
non semper erit aestas omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis
It will not always be summer, all things change and we change with them

I am the master of my fate, some things in life cannot be explained -
non omnia causa fiunt
Not everything happens for a reason

The only way to get over loss is to act on behalf of the solution -
solus solutio pro moeror est factum
The only solution for grief is action

I want to live life benefiting others, but I cannot give much until I have much -
nemo dat quod non habet est vivere sed valere vita est
No one gives what he does not have, life is not being alive but being well

Don't compromise who you are for other's idea of what life is -
nosce te ipsum tibi ipsi esto fidelis
Know thyself, to thyself be true

Except for wine maybe -
mens sana in corpore sano ne quid nimis
A sound mind in a sound body, nothing in excess

You get out of life and relationships what you put into them -
ut sementem feceric ita metes
As you sow so will you reap

Dream big, and then get off your ass and go get it -
non est ad astra mollis e terris via sedit qui timuit ne non succederet
There is no easy way from earth to the stars. He who feared he would not succeed sat still

If you believe in the dream... you are already closer -
possunt quia posse videntur
You can because you think you are able

Examining is key, inspect things before you buy into their value -
fallaces sunt rerum species non teneas aurum totum quod splendet ut aurum - The appearance of a thing is deceptive, all that glitters is not gold

The key problem with religion, people are afraid to accept what they cannot explain -
timendi causa est nescire damnant quod non intelligunt deus unus sentio - Ignorance breeds fear, they condemn what they do not understand, but God alone is the judge

Yep, there's a lot of stupidity out there -
parva leves capiunt animas
Small things amuse small minds

This is what has f**ked up America so badly, this is my political stance:
radix omnium malorum est cupiditas
Avarice is the root of all evil

So there it is... my life philosophy in Latin, give or take a few ideas. Let's see a vote. What's your favorite one? What's your least favorite one? Which one would you like me to elaborate on? Which one should I get as my next tattoo?

I can't wait to hear your ideas.

So here I am again...

I love to write I really do.... I keep telling myself as I look at this amazingly nostalgic leather journal my best friend bought for me over a year ago. It has about 13 pages filled in and all of the entries are spaced weeks and months apart. I've always wanted to be good about recording my life and thoughts in some form of written medium that makes me feel like a REAL writer. I think my problem isn't laziness or procrastination. I think my problem is I wait until the perfect inspirational moment... and I think that I've just discovered my fantasy related to that moment... and it doesn't exist. I used to think that there was this strange nebulous of existence that a good writer would somehow transport into and then this genius idea would soar on wings of scrolls from the heavens and be imparted to the diligent and creative writer. I guess I missed the portal. So here I am again, starting yet another blog and staring at that enticing journal... what to write...

The only way to get started is to just do it. Thanks Nike. I may not have many readers, but who cares. It may not all sound intelligent and scholarly, but who cares. I love to read and I love to write. And the only way I'm going to get any better at writing is to just do it. So this is my attempt to get started again. Here's to a great story... Thanks to Donald Miller for inspiring me to write again. If you haven't read a "million miles in a thousand years," you should... it's amazing.

So this blog is basically about a lot of things. The things that I like, and the things that I want to do and be. I hope that some of my thoughts can impart some insight into other peoples lives.

My life is wasted if it did not benefit anyone other than myself.